cold dark space

i recently thought about mark, an 11 year old i fell in love with when i was a new nurse, back when i naively thought it wouldn't hurt to bond too much with my patients. he died december 5th, 2000. mark would be 17 in march if he was still alive. he was the first child i felt like a mother to. he still holds a special place in my heart. i'll never forget how i felt when i wrote this:

a glimpse:
Please, I beg of you guard
Let me see in
I will make no noise
I will remain unseen
I will never ask to return again
If only you let me see in
My heart aches for a glimpse
For a paused moment in time
To see the look upon his face
To see him free of pain
To see him running with ease
To see him feel a mother’s true unconditional love
To see that smile just once more
That’s all I ask
Please, I beg of you guard
Then I will leave…

i wrote this as if i was at the gates of paradise. begging to just let me know if he is ok.

Don’t go just yet
I still want to talk
I have to hold your hand just a few moments more
Do you have questions?
I want you to have peace
What can I do to make it easier?
I will do it.
Were you scared?
Please say no.
I couldn’t bare it if you were.
I wish I had been there.
And I wasn’t.
Please forgive me.
Maybe you didn’t even miss me;
That’s not bad either, as long as love surrounded you.
And you felt peace.
What was it like?
Was it warm and soft?
You could suddenly breathe easy, like never before?
No hunger?
No more masks?
No more meds?
No treatments?
What do you do all day long?
Do you have to sleep?
Are you busy all the time?
Do you think of me?

his dad and i still correspond through the mail occasionally and we send christmas cards every year. it sounds as if he is doing well...but i am sure the pain is still there. i do know time heals pain, but the scar it leaves behind changes you. it is never the same as before. this i am learning