Wednesday, May 21, 2008
i went to my gastroenterologist, and found spirituality
i think i'm experiencing something life changing. i've long shoved the religion/spirituality issue to the back of the brain in the dusty dark corner. i've tried to bring it out at times, and i've gotten frustrated and locked it back up, making no progress, perhaps even regressing.
when i was about 16, i started questioning everything i ever knew. this was a very hard thing for me to do, as it was NOT encouraged by my father. of course, as a wanna be daddy's girl (or anyone's girl), i didn't want to disappoint him and denounce catholicism....but i did anyways, secretly. the problem was, i was so burned on organized religion, that i just rejected all of it. i knew what i disagreed with, but didn't know what i agreed with at all,...at least, nothing that i could put into words and "find" the religion i was supposed to belong to.
so, just to really stick it to whomever i could, i would tell people i didn't believe in god at all. it wasn't hard to get there--my first job was working on a high acuity pediatric unit, where we had children die too frequently from terminal diseases. it was aweful, it shook the rest of my already broken ground i stood on spiritually. i was angry at him for allowing this to happen, who ever he may be, so to piss him off, i denied he existed. yeah, that ought to show him!!
i also hated how hypocritical all these "christians" i met were. they damned people left and right. if you are gay, you're going to hell. if you have liberal views, going to hell. i heard the worst racists comments come from those who proclaimed the MOST about how GREAT and CHRISTIANY they were. they made me sick. i didn't want any part of that. greedy little pigs.
so i proclaimed myself a lost cause and shoved it away.
slowly over the last 10 years or so, i started to develop my own set of values. i didn't like the fear mongering tactic of coercing people to be good or else they'd go to hell. i believe people should be good, for the sole purpose of being good. to take care of our fellow humans and animals b/c that is what is right; not to get a "pat on the back" and rack up getting into heaven points. and lets not even touch on the history of the catholic churchs and the inquisitions...oy vey!!
i see my country has taken this fear mongering motivation to extreme levels. and sadly, sheeple follow it hook, line, and sinker. no one thinks for themselves. a church tells them what to think, and they all behave and vote accordingly. i don't need anyone telling me how to think; i have a brain, thank you very much. i am not your pawn. i dont need my president or preacher to scare me into a knee jerk reaction.
sure, it would make my life easier if i just blindly followed what i was taught and had never questioned anything...but that is not living. i am not the sort of person who can do that. i cannot stick my head in the sand and live how someone tells me to. i cannot be a phoney.
so, the other day i was waiting for a doc's appt, and he was running late. i found a time magazine article about the dalai lama. i instantly was transported back to a high school class on the great religions of the world. the only time in my catholic education that we learned about OTHER religions. When we got to Buddhism, someting moved inside of me. something connected me to it immediately,. i felt these teachings and philosophies opened up a dead part of me. my brain screamed "YES, THIS IS IT! THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!" but i was too weak to break out of the ultraconservative school, church, and mostly, my dad's beliefs. so that fling was short lived.
as i read that article, those same familiar, comfortable, warm feelings came flooding back. at least now i'm a grown woman, and the environmental pressure that i caved to too easily as a teen was gone. i dont care if others think i'm some crazy hippie wanna be. i'm not jumping head first into Buddhism, but i am reading, reading, reading. i love the values of the buddhist teachings, i love how the dalai lama has reconcilled science and religion coexisting together, for this has long been an internal struggle to make them right with each other. it seemed that yoiu could choose religion OR science. and i'm a science and math based mind, so i chose science. i'm learning they can coexist. i've bought books by or about the dalia lama, as i truley feel this connection to this stranger. i feel he has taught to me, written these books to ME. also, it's made me feel not so isolated, so lonely in my struggle to believe. if i ever saw him, i would hug his holiness and sob and sob. he has just reached me like no one has before.
ella saw a book i'm reading and asked who the man on the cover was. i told her he's the dalai lama. she paused and said, "he's sooo happy!" i smiled to myself as i studied his face. he has the most calming aura about him, captured just on his face. i told ella, "i think he may be happiest person in the world, honey." she giggles when she sees his face now.
so for now, i'm reading...i may seek out a church or meeting place for buddhists, although in backassward florida, there may not be one. but i may also find a christian church to attend, to find a congegration to belong to. the only fond memory i have of growing up catholic is the family atmostsphere i belonged to. at least, i enjoyed it as a kid, before i realized how the evis of organized religion. now if i can only find a socially active church in our area....not so easy in our nonprogressive state. but i can find my happy medium. i want that kind of inner peace, or just a small amount of that which the dalai lama has.
so enough rambling for now. i'm having a million thoughts roll through my head, which is made worse by knowing i'm having a procedure today later, where i'll be under anesthesia. it's a simple procedure, but i still get a little nervous about this stuff. i'm not freaking out, really, just trying to keep busy. i'm hoping this calmness i can acheive will modify my time i spent worrying about things out of my control!!
when i was about 16, i started questioning everything i ever knew. this was a very hard thing for me to do, as it was NOT encouraged by my father. of course, as a wanna be daddy's girl (or anyone's girl), i didn't want to disappoint him and denounce catholicism....but i did anyways, secretly. the problem was, i was so burned on organized religion, that i just rejected all of it. i knew what i disagreed with, but didn't know what i agreed with at all,...at least, nothing that i could put into words and "find" the religion i was supposed to belong to.
so, just to really stick it to whomever i could, i would tell people i didn't believe in god at all. it wasn't hard to get there--my first job was working on a high acuity pediatric unit, where we had children die too frequently from terminal diseases. it was aweful, it shook the rest of my already broken ground i stood on spiritually. i was angry at him for allowing this to happen, who ever he may be, so to piss him off, i denied he existed. yeah, that ought to show him!!
i also hated how hypocritical all these "christians" i met were. they damned people left and right. if you are gay, you're going to hell. if you have liberal views, going to hell. i heard the worst racists comments come from those who proclaimed the MOST about how GREAT and CHRISTIANY they were. they made me sick. i didn't want any part of that. greedy little pigs.
so i proclaimed myself a lost cause and shoved it away.
slowly over the last 10 years or so, i started to develop my own set of values. i didn't like the fear mongering tactic of coercing people to be good or else they'd go to hell. i believe people should be good, for the sole purpose of being good. to take care of our fellow humans and animals b/c that is what is right; not to get a "pat on the back" and rack up getting into heaven points. and lets not even touch on the history of the catholic churchs and the inquisitions...oy vey!!
i see my country has taken this fear mongering motivation to extreme levels. and sadly, sheeple follow it hook, line, and sinker. no one thinks for themselves. a church tells them what to think, and they all behave and vote accordingly. i don't need anyone telling me how to think; i have a brain, thank you very much. i am not your pawn. i dont need my president or preacher to scare me into a knee jerk reaction.
sure, it would make my life easier if i just blindly followed what i was taught and had never questioned anything...but that is not living. i am not the sort of person who can do that. i cannot stick my head in the sand and live how someone tells me to. i cannot be a phoney.
so, the other day i was waiting for a doc's appt, and he was running late. i found a time magazine article about the dalai lama. i instantly was transported back to a high school class on the great religions of the world. the only time in my catholic education that we learned about OTHER religions. When we got to Buddhism, someting moved inside of me. something connected me to it immediately,. i felt these teachings and philosophies opened up a dead part of me. my brain screamed "YES, THIS IS IT! THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!" but i was too weak to break out of the ultraconservative school, church, and mostly, my dad's beliefs. so that fling was short lived.
as i read that article, those same familiar, comfortable, warm feelings came flooding back. at least now i'm a grown woman, and the environmental pressure that i caved to too easily as a teen was gone. i dont care if others think i'm some crazy hippie wanna be. i'm not jumping head first into Buddhism, but i am reading, reading, reading. i love the values of the buddhist teachings, i love how the dalai lama has reconcilled science and religion coexisting together, for this has long been an internal struggle to make them right with each other. it seemed that yoiu could choose religion OR science. and i'm a science and math based mind, so i chose science. i'm learning they can coexist. i've bought books by or about the dalia lama, as i truley feel this connection to this stranger. i feel he has taught to me, written these books to ME. also, it's made me feel not so isolated, so lonely in my struggle to believe. if i ever saw him, i would hug his holiness and sob and sob. he has just reached me like no one has before.
ella saw a book i'm reading and asked who the man on the cover was. i told her he's the dalai lama. she paused and said, "he's sooo happy!" i smiled to myself as i studied his face. he has the most calming aura about him, captured just on his face. i told ella, "i think he may be happiest person in the world, honey." she giggles when she sees his face now.
so for now, i'm reading...i may seek out a church or meeting place for buddhists, although in backassward florida, there may not be one. but i may also find a christian church to attend, to find a congegration to belong to. the only fond memory i have of growing up catholic is the family atmostsphere i belonged to. at least, i enjoyed it as a kid, before i realized how the evis of organized religion. now if i can only find a socially active church in our area....not so easy in our nonprogressive state. but i can find my happy medium. i want that kind of inner peace, or just a small amount of that which the dalai lama has.
so enough rambling for now. i'm having a million thoughts roll through my head, which is made worse by knowing i'm having a procedure today later, where i'll be under anesthesia. it's a simple procedure, but i still get a little nervous about this stuff. i'm not freaking out, really, just trying to keep busy. i'm hoping this calmness i can acheive will modify my time i spent worrying about things out of my control!!
