Thursday, December 14, 2000
mark
mark died. age 11. i saw him the day before. i knew he was dying. i've known for weeks. he's been in the picu since september. he's been sick for so long. he had a lung transplant a few years ago for cystic fibrosis; while it's not a permanent cure for cf, it does buy some time. mark did have some time. he got to ride a bike, play, get dirty like other kids for a while. not long enough. i love mark, as if he was my own child.
i would get off work at 1130pm every night and go hang with mark for anywhere from 10 minutes to a few hours afterward. the night he was admitted i didnt leave until 3 in the morning. i was so scared. i had never seen him that sick. i would take mark to see movies, i'd bring him food, we'd order out food (well, i paid for it, he helped me eat it!). one time, billy and i visited him in the hospital and we 3 ordered pizza and watched a movie together (a few months earlier upon learning of billy and my engagement, he promptly invited himself to our wedding that was taking place in march 2001). his mom ran off and left him with his dad because she couldnt handle mark's illness. and his dad didnt have reliable transportation, and he lived 3 hours away. so i tried my best to fill in the void. i was very angry with his "mother." one time while i was sitting with mark in his picu room, a doctor came in and asked if i was his mother. i smiled at the thought and told him who i was. after the doc left, mark said he wished i was his mother. i choked back tears and said i wish i was too. i will never forget how that felt. we talked alot, mostly about kid stuff, sometimes about other stuff too. in passing i said to mark, "what am i going to do without you here?" here meaning in the hospital, not here meaning on earth. he said his ghost would visit me. i got chills, realizing that mark understood he didnt have much time left. he knew he was dying. they were setting up hospice to take him home.
he left the hospital 12/4/00. i was off work that day. i came up to the hospital to see him off as i told him i would. i was so nervous, keeping back tears. he hugged me so hard, as hard as his frail little pale arms could hug me. he wouldnt let me go. i remember vividly squatting next to his stretcher in the ambulance, not wanting to let go. i wanted to stay there and ride down with him. then he gave me a kiss on the lips, which he had never done before. i held his little hand. i think we both knew it was the last time we'd see each other. his eyes had tears in them as i climbed (ok, tumbled) out of the rig. he died the next day. 12/5/00. i hope he finally knows rest and peace. he deserves it. my heart aches for him. maybe i shouldnt have gotten attached, but i hope his life was better for it; i know mine is. i cannot believe what his mother has missed out on. what a loss for her. she did go to the funeral; i almost cried when i thought about what her life must be. the guilt. the pain. i wished for all of it to go away. i dont think i will ever forget mark. no, i know i wont.
i would get off work at 1130pm every night and go hang with mark for anywhere from 10 minutes to a few hours afterward. the night he was admitted i didnt leave until 3 in the morning. i was so scared. i had never seen him that sick. i would take mark to see movies, i'd bring him food, we'd order out food (well, i paid for it, he helped me eat it!). one time, billy and i visited him in the hospital and we 3 ordered pizza and watched a movie together (a few months earlier upon learning of billy and my engagement, he promptly invited himself to our wedding that was taking place in march 2001). his mom ran off and left him with his dad because she couldnt handle mark's illness. and his dad didnt have reliable transportation, and he lived 3 hours away. so i tried my best to fill in the void. i was very angry with his "mother." one time while i was sitting with mark in his picu room, a doctor came in and asked if i was his mother. i smiled at the thought and told him who i was. after the doc left, mark said he wished i was his mother. i choked back tears and said i wish i was too. i will never forget how that felt. we talked alot, mostly about kid stuff, sometimes about other stuff too. in passing i said to mark, "what am i going to do without you here?" here meaning in the hospital, not here meaning on earth. he said his ghost would visit me. i got chills, realizing that mark understood he didnt have much time left. he knew he was dying. they were setting up hospice to take him home.
he left the hospital 12/4/00. i was off work that day. i came up to the hospital to see him off as i told him i would. i was so nervous, keeping back tears. he hugged me so hard, as hard as his frail little pale arms could hug me. he wouldnt let me go. i remember vividly squatting next to his stretcher in the ambulance, not wanting to let go. i wanted to stay there and ride down with him. then he gave me a kiss on the lips, which he had never done before. i held his little hand. i think we both knew it was the last time we'd see each other. his eyes had tears in them as i climbed (ok, tumbled) out of the rig. he died the next day. 12/5/00. i hope he finally knows rest and peace. he deserves it. my heart aches for him. maybe i shouldnt have gotten attached, but i hope his life was better for it; i know mine is. i cannot believe what his mother has missed out on. what a loss for her. she did go to the funeral; i almost cried when i thought about what her life must be. the guilt. the pain. i wished for all of it to go away. i dont think i will ever forget mark. no, i know i wont.
# posted by T : 10:15 PM
