cold dark space

It’s not fair. I know that life is supposed to do this; begin and end. But why is so much pain a part of it? Why is it like this? So much despair. A man once on top of it all. Walked above me for so long, to be falling the way he is. I don’t want to see it. I want to close my eyes and be blind to this. He encompassed everything the future could hold for me if I dared to dream big enough. Freedom. I was too young to see the pain this man had to carry. And then there was more put on him. And more. How much is enough? Is there a god? He’s being robbed of his dignity. What kind of God does that? His freedom is being ripped from his desperate hands. The last thing that he had left. He taught me about the value of a human life. How to appreciate everyone. He listened to me, really listened to me like noone else did in my childhood. I’ve read my old diaries and his name was in there often, usually in the context that he was the only adult who ever made me feel valuable. I hope to do this for my children. I wish my children would know him. I am so angry. And I’m not sure at whom or what. I want to break things, scream at the mountains, threaten the skies. Damn all of you. How dare you take such a gift from us? He’s not done yet. We depend on him. He’s been a staple all my life. I need his wisdom. His children need his guidance, he needs to be free again. And the way he used to make me laugh. He could make a joke out of anything. I remember how excited I used to get whenever I’d hear his name. His name was always equated with a good time. He encouraged me to expand my mind past its present boundaries. Cd’s, photography, bird watching, golf,

I had to put this away for more than a year. It hurt too much to think of this. It still does. One of life’s greatest tragedies is to watch a man become a child, and the viewer to become a man. I watched the drug wreak havoc on his spirit, his body burned and drained. He fell asleep and I watched him with tears in my eyes. This is not right. It’s a mistake. I will never believe otherwise. His uncomfortable, painful sleep.