cold dark space

so i was watching the news, saw how badly haita was hit by t.s. jeanne. i realized how lucky we are here in this country, to have the systems we do, even if they do need serious tweeking. haiti has nothing. NOTHING. they are the poorest country in the western hemisphere. so close to the richest country in the world. ironic, huh?

then i remembered the woodalls. they were the family taking care of williannie alexis, the very first patient i fell in love with and then lost. this family is amazing. incredible. after sponsering her in this country, they were so affected by her, they moved to her native haiti and are working as missionaries. so i emailed them, and i hope they can give me information on how to help. part of me would love to go down there and work with them. i may still. i dont know how we could afford that. i'd love to bring billy down and he could do electrical work too. maybe we can do that when things get a little better, we can take a month off and go. bring our kid too. that would be so incredible. my soul would burst. and i'd love to share that with billy. i have such strong dreams of doing something like that. the things i would learn from them...i could never be taught these things in a book. by a tv. it would be real. life. i have to do this. my heart soars just thinking about it! *sigh*

so, this is my blog....i have only written 1 entry as a blog; the stuff i've put in here prior is random writings from my past. some are alot darker than others, and i aplogize if it disturbs you. i was in a much darker place than now....unfortunately i take trips back to that dark place on occasion, and my writings reflect that. i hope you wont view me differently. thanks for stopping by!

i'm tired. and worn out. i have nothing left to give. my soul is sucked dry. i am deflated. i hate that work is doing this to me. something i used to love doing, and i cant even wake up in the mornings. i go through the motions. i barely get by. i have to use all my energy to keep from screaming at others, or having a nervous breakdown. i used to love bathing and dressing kids, i'd even buy stuff for them that i knew they needed but werent going to get due to family situations. we'd treat them as if they were our own. god, i used to LOVE my career. now, i don't even know if i want to continue. and this is after only 5 years??? i know why nurses leave nursing; how much can you give? we are humans too. we arent an endless giving phenomenon. we need to be taken care of too. everyone wants to complain about the nursing shortage, but no one wants to do anything to fix it. this place lets everything fall on the shoulders of the nurse. i know if a doctor made a mistake, that he'd hang the nurse out to dry; as would the hospital. no one would stand behind us. this institution is a fucking joke; christain hospital my ass. there is nothing christ like about this place. god vomits at the thought. i feel so trapped. it is affecting every part of my being, as i've tied being a nurse into how i view myself. i am ashamed of the way i feel.