cold dark space

i am so angry. what did my family do to deserve this? and of all people, my dad who believes in you. i address you like you even exist. are you trying to prove to me you are real? by attacking one of your loyal followers? jesus, then sign me up, look how you treat those who believe you. you are such an asshole. i cannot believe this is happening. this isn't supposed to happen. my dad is supposed to see his grandkids. he has none now. he has a 15 year old daughter to raise. this is suck fucking bullshit. i can't even write this, i have to stop to wipe the tears pooring down my face. why this? why now? my mother is not going to be able to handle this well at all. and neither are my sisters. i worry about my brother who is too quiet during all of this. this pain is too much, it is cutting me so deep, into my being, my soul.

my uncle and my father are the 2 men that have shaped who i am. and they are both sick. why do the people i love get pulled away from me? am i unworthy of them? what is going to happen to billy? should i not love anyone, to protect them? i feel that this darkness surrounds me, affecting others, they pay the price for loving me. is this because i was so close with my uncle, i said he has been like a father to me, and now you want me to know what it is like to lose a father? why with all your power and might, do you show it this way? i will never understand you, and i don't know if i ever want to . you turned your back on my father, the man who has spoke so highly of you always. never doubted you. i will never trust you.