Tuesday, November 02, 2004
are you out there?
i sit here tentatively writing this...i've been composing this in my head all week. because i am afraid. i am afraid that you are not there, not real, not listening. i don't know if i've ever stopped believing that there is a greater being, but i don't know if i stopped giving that being your name. is it because i've been angry? because i've seen such horror in children, i stopped thinking a god would allow this? i do not know. i am afraid to believe in you, for what if i am wrong? that would be the ultimate fall. i struggle with this everyday. part of me thinks it would just be easier to believe, but i am speculative.
it occured to me on this baby making journey to be patient (haha). we are meant to be parents one way or another. maybe i should stop trying to carry all this alone. it is in someone else's hands, maybe? i want to believe. i honestly do. but i am afraid to trust in you, if there is a you. i mean, if there is a god, and he did send his son, i think it would be very hard, angst inducing to watch your son suffer, and to know you could save him, but shouldn't in order to save other's children. but then, i don't understand how hard it would be to watch your son die if you knew he was immediately going to be joining you in the afterlife. if anything, mary got screwed in this whole deal. it is so overwhelming to think and analyze this.
i guess what i am saying is that i am thinking, maybe even feeling, that i may begin to trust in "god." and i have to say that i have felt this before finding out that my dad most likely does NOT have cancer in his bones. so maybe that is a sign. besides being in the shower yesterday and seeing a shadow go by the window, knowing that my husband was not outside...he went out to look and noone was out there. like someone is out there. not far from me. and those i love. and even those i don't love.
this is a bunch of babbling nonsense at this point, and i apologize for confusing any readers out there. i am now going to go torture myself and watch the election coverage.
it occured to me on this baby making journey to be patient (haha). we are meant to be parents one way or another. maybe i should stop trying to carry all this alone. it is in someone else's hands, maybe? i want to believe. i honestly do. but i am afraid to trust in you, if there is a you. i mean, if there is a god, and he did send his son, i think it would be very hard, angst inducing to watch your son suffer, and to know you could save him, but shouldn't in order to save other's children. but then, i don't understand how hard it would be to watch your son die if you knew he was immediately going to be joining you in the afterlife. if anything, mary got screwed in this whole deal. it is so overwhelming to think and analyze this.
i guess what i am saying is that i am thinking, maybe even feeling, that i may begin to trust in "god." and i have to say that i have felt this before finding out that my dad most likely does NOT have cancer in his bones. so maybe that is a sign. besides being in the shower yesterday and seeing a shadow go by the window, knowing that my husband was not outside...he went out to look and noone was out there. like someone is out there. not far from me. and those i love. and even those i don't love.
this is a bunch of babbling nonsense at this point, and i apologize for confusing any readers out there. i am now going to go torture myself and watch the election coverage.
# posted by T : 8:37 PM
