cold dark space

well, here i am, not liking myself at all. and what do you do when you don't like someone? you avoid them. kinda hard to do when it's yourself. i'm trying desperately do sort out my feelings. i feel so much anger mostly, and guilt, and sadness, and anxiety, and fear, and did i mention anger?? i know this is no one's fault. maybe it's god's. this lady at work pissed me off the other day, saying that god is good, and i asked why would god do this to one family all at once? her intelligent response is "who says god had anything to do with this?" so when something good happens, it's god. when something bad happens, he's missing in action? gee, that sounds like a great friend. one i sure want. part of me wants to go to the catholic church to talk to a priest for comfort. the other part of me is too angry. i don't know where to turn.

i am afraid of pushing away those who are trying to comfort me. no one can understand this unless they've been through this themselves...but i wouldn't wish this on anyone else so that they can understand first hand. does that make any sense? some are telling me to be positive, the statistics are decent. well, what are the statistics of both of your parents having cancer at the same time? and also lost about 90% of their things too? so right now, stats are not my friend. and telling me i have to think positively, do i not have enough shit going on right now that thinking negative is normal? i have tried desperately to take each bit of bad news this year slowly, and stay positive thinking. this last bit of news is just too much right now. i have no idea how i'm going to handle this. i know i don't want to be a bitter person. but right now, i am. and that depresses me. and i don't want to be around others right now. i am afraid of who i am will bring them down, and they will not like me anymore. god, so in the midst of all this sadness, i'm having to worry about not hurting my friends and families feelings and push them away even farther. why can't this be easier? even just a little?

i went christmas shopping yesterday and nearly had a nervous breakdown. just too many people, too loud, my head running a mile a second, thinking horrible thoughts, like will this be our last christmas together? will my mom and child ever go shopping together like that grandma and granddaughter over there? will mom even feel up to shopping in a few weeks? why do things have to change so drastically? so fast? will i ever bring my baby to see santa? when? i feel like i'm faking so much, pretending to function, pretending to take care of other children and families, seeing babies alone in the hospital whose parents obviously don't make them a priority, it all just tears me up inside, and i'm getting at the end of my giving well. i wish i could just take a vacation longer than 3 days. this year, my time in between jobs was wasted on being really sick with my asthma. and i had a week off to take care of dad during and after surgery. i have no vacation or sick time left at work. and i'm going to be taking more time off when mom gets chemo, depending on how often she needs to go, how sick she'll get, how sick dad feels too; just to get meds, fix dinner, go grocery shopping, all that stuff. i don't want them to go through this alone. hannah is only 16, plays basketball, and shouldn't have to give up all that high school stuff to care for her 2 sick parents. james is 20 and in college. brigid is 22 and is done with her classes for cooking school, only needs an internship. an internship that can be done anywhere, including close to home (she currently is 3 hours away from mom and dad's). but she says that she has no control over where she goes--hey, asshole, i think if you explain this situation to them, they will do whatever they can to help you out. but family has never been important to her, only to stop by and get money. dad blows this off as her being "social" and family isn't that important to her--he says that like it's ok, like her favorite color is blue, he says it so casually. i would think that is a major sign of my parents failing to instill the importance of family in her. they do nothing to try and fix it. for example, yesterday hannah had a basketball game in orlando. brigid lives in orlando. did she go? no. she drove an hour to her friends house. wtf? how hard would it be to just go? hannah even called brigid to ask her if she was going. that breaks my heart.

but at any rate, i had a good time watching hannah play ball. i loved watching her, i forgot how much i loved the game. i used to play in highschool. after her game, i sat behind her on the bleachers (she had to stay for the varsity game to support them-she's on the jv team) and played with her hair, tickled her, goofily smacked her own hands into her face. her teammates said how much we looked alike; it made me smile. i love her so much. she is such a kind soul. she is so mature, sweet, knows more than she should. as a kid, my grandma picked her up from school in kindergarten, got lost, and hannah directed her home. she always paid attention to those things.
me: dad, where's mom?
dad: uhh, i don't know, she went out to something..
hannah (age 4): she went to pick up james, and then go grocery shopping
anyways, hannah said something beyond her years "tina, why do you think god put me here to be with mom and dad in their older years?" perhaps that may be true. i don't know if i believe in god. i do believe that there is a destiny of sorts. i think. i don't know what i believe anymore.

i really fear that i will continue to be bitter. i am afraid that i have changed permanently. will i ever trust that good things will happen again? right now, i am still scared and bracing for more bad news. why wouldn't i? i thought that i had had enough, only to learn this. i fear for thursday's news. then mom gets the results of all her scans. please please please, let this be the best news possible. i don't know how much more i can take. i am strugging to not just quit. quit everything, quit caring, quit smiling, quit laughing, quit being. i don't want all the colors to mix to grey. how do people keep going on? and not be badly burned? how do i pick myself up from here? keep on feeling joy? i want to do this right, the best i can.

ok, this has been long enough. i'm hoping this will allow me to sleep tonight. i haven't had a good nights sleep in a while. makes working quite the bitch. but work has always been a bitch. i know i need a new job too, but right now, i need to get through all of this with my mom...i can't start a new job and immediately take time off. so, things i need: (1)my parents alive and cured (2)a baby (3)a new job. just a few small things.