cold dark space

in the midst of feeling sorry for myself, a brilliant thought shone through my soul. maybe a child wasn't supposed to be here sooner. afterall, if i look at when we started trying to have one, billy and my relationship isn't where it is today. we have grown so close learning to be alone in jersey. if we were mad at each other, we didn't have friends to go run to and escape with. we were forced to look at each other and muddle through our issues. even since moving down here, we've learned to work hard and pinch pennies while starting his buisiness. he's become very grateful for me working a job i hate so we can continue to pay our bills. we've learned so much about how to better love eachother. and i think that will make us better parents. our whole approach to this fertility issue has shown me what a wonderful man he is. he said this isn't his or my problem, it's ours, and not really a problem, more of an obstacle. and we will get through it. and i am so happy that he is here with me for this venture. strangely, i was almost relieved when i learned it was my body that is making this process difficult. one reason is that he is so fearful of blood work and such (although the sperm analysis he didn't bat an eye at...poor guy had to give a sample in a BATHROOM. that couldn't have been easy!). and another is i didn't want him blaming himself at all. i am kinda used to having to take medicine, and being the "sick" one, so it might as well be me who has to take the meds to make it work. besides, it's not going to be a walk in the park for him; the doc told me that the clomid can make woman sensitive, crabby, and difficult to live with...SORRY HONEY! thank god it's only taken for 5 days during a cycle.

so, with this realization, i feel better about all of this. slightly impatient? yes. hopeless? no. i am a very fortunate person, i realize this. life is not easy, and sometimes i don't know why i expect it to be. i should've known this was going to happen. since when do i do anything that is easy??