cold dark space

i feel so detached from reality. i don't know where to go. i used to love my job. i used to be in a store, and hear a child giggle and i would giggle too. now it just reminds me of what i don't have. it makes me tear up. i don't want to become bitter. i don't know how to get past that. i see moms and grandmas and babies, and i want to run home and hide. i wish the world would go away for a while. i don't even know what i love anymore. for the longest time, i've wanted to be a mom. everyone always says i'll be a good mom. i am the cousin who loves kids, who is so good with all kinds of kids, even special needs kids. my job was great b/c i could laugh and play with kids. it brought me so much joy. i even picked nursing b/c i thought it was best prepare me for motherhood. i don't know if i ever said that outloud or told anyone. i let becoming a mother define my interests, my job. maybe a way of recreating a childhood i would have preferred, a way to do it over. and now that i haven't been successful in becoming a mom, those things that have brought me joy, are just reminders of my failure as a woman. i never ever knew what emotional turmoil infertility brought with it. i mean, complete morons can get pregnant. the worst of the worst people can procreate. and i cannot. is this a sign? maybe i won't be a good mom? i don't even know how to heal. and since this is not something most go through, there aren't many people to turn to. i know people mean well, but the "oh, i have an aunt who has a cousin who it took them 10 years to have a baby, but they did it." fucken great. only 8+ years to go, motherfuckers. or there are the ppl who get pregnant by sneezing giving me advice: "just don't think about it." holy shit, i never thought about that! i just need to relax? and that will make me ovulate? fuck you. you relax when your world is turned upside down, shithead. i'll show you what will make me ovulate--me putting my foot up your ass. geez, there is some hidden aggression there, huh? well, aggression is better than lying down dead. that felt really good to write.

but the fact of the matter is, i have tied everything into being a mom, and maybe that is not a good thing. i mean, i should be more than a mom. however, i think being a mom will be the best job i could ever do, i just need to have things that are just me. and as for getting into the dave matthews band, that has been just me. billy likes them too, but i have gone to shows alone, flown to north carolina, taken a train into the city and navigated the subways alone to meet strangers who really are friends. that was been very good for me. i need to do more though, b/c unfortunately, the boys don't tour year round. what do i like to do? i like to work with my hands, but i don't feel i'm very good at anything. i don't know where to go to learn these things...i'm not so good at reading and learning, as i am watching and doing. i have made the following steps: made an appointment with a counselor, bought a self-help book (which i should be reading), and even bought an idiots guide to adoption, just so i can start to gather information. somehow, researching my options gives me the perception of control, whether it is real or not is irrelevent. where to go from here?

you read it right! i talked to mom on the way home from work tonight. for maybe the first time i can remember, the call didn't start with mom's usual opener "what do you want?" (which let me tell you nothing will kill your spirit for conversation than that there). she told me how she was feeling, how great the ppl at her job are being, she asked me how many more days left at work (only 4!!). she asked how the ultrasound and things were going with all that shit. i told her how emotionally tolling this all has been, how i don't know if i want to continue this path of infertility. she suggested adoption, we talked about it. it is reasurring to know if we go down that path, that my parents will be totally good with it, since mom is adopted and all. but it's the comments from some that scare me. my uncle who when talking about some relative, says "he wasn't really our cousin anyways, he was adopted." to which i retorted, "well, laura jean was adopted and she's just as much our cousin as the ones who are missing teeth who we unfortunately are blood related." he admitted he was wrong to say that. but what if something like that was said about my baby? or worse, to him? i've heard other comments, not nasty in nature, but not totally positive either. woah, tangent.

so anyways, i called billy after i got off the phone with mom, and i almost cried because of the normal conversation i had.