cold dark space

i am beyond repair. i am so tired of this. i cannot fight anymore. this is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. it doesn't matter how hard or not i try or don't try. i am sick of people giving me advice, as if i don't know that the fucking penis goes in the vagina. i'm glad you are fertile mertle, but that doesn't mean that is how it is for everyone else. it's my own fault for talking to anyone about it. i should have just gone this alone. less people to tell, less people telling me to just relax and it will happen. fuck, would you tell a cancer patient not to worry about her cancer? that everything will be ok? fuck no, you don't know it will be ok. and i don't know that i can get pregnant. i do have some wonderful friends who send their positive prayers and thoughts, and know that i will have a child someday, one way or another, and that is the best thing i can hear, i think. and those that have these fucken opinions about how i'm trying to have a kid, do you think they have any idea how it feels to be infertile? fuck no. you know their thinking would be different if they were in my shoes.

i can't escape this either. we go out to breakfast, there are kids everywhere; i go to work, all the mommies are talking about their kids (as if i would be any different); i take care of kids all the time, some with the shittiest parents you can imagine-mom is 26 with 5 kids, all different dads, on wellfare, doesn't work, is hardly at the hospital with their kid, they smoke and wonder why their kid has all these hospital visits...so THEY can procreate, and i can't???? i just can't get away from reminders of my infertility...unless i stay in bed, under the covers...and i'm trying desperately not to do that. i want to crawl in a hole and quit. quit everything.

i am sick of nursing. i'm sick of being treated like a 2nd class citizen by the patients and doctors and administrators. i get yelled at for everything, no matter how hard i bust my ass. i've never been treated like hired help like i have by these florida doctors of not-so-great hospitals. they treat us like we didn't study for 4 years and have tons of on the job training. i am not belittling their knowledge either, but we are treated as just task-doers, not members on the healthcare team, and i am not digging that. i'm thinking about a career change, don't know what. maybe i'll look into animal medicine...it was just so much better in new jersey, and at the teaching hospital i worked at in florida when i graduated. a teamwork oriented approach with doctors, nurses, dieticians, socialworkers, physical and occupational therapists, you name it. we all brought something to the table, and we all respected each other for it. it is nothing like that at these hospitals. and they are not going to change. and i am not going to be a doormat for these egotistical dickheads.

i feel like such a jerk for being so brokenhearted about something that never belonged to me. some people don't have a place to sleep, something to eat, people to love them. i am being selfish. but i do not care. it is how i feel, and i feel empty.