cold dark space

i am in a cold dark space, if ever there was one. i dont know why i bother sometimes. i dont know why i attempted to believe there was a god. i've given up years ago, but i guess i always held on to the hope that i could believe in him again. but if there was a god, why would all kinds of shit happen? it's obvious if he exists, he takes a passive at best role in the world. bad things happen to good people. why pray? why hope? what ever will happen will happen. with or without him. i am tired of wishing and hoping. i can do nothing else. i wish i could do something to bring this child into my life. but i cannot, and that frustrates and infurates and crushes me to no end. each day that goes by i hurt a little more, even when i think it isn't possible. i am tired of trying to be positve about everything. i am ready for something to go well. i feel so ungrateful for feeling this way. so many ppl do not have to think twice, hell, not even once, to have children. sometimes i feel i will not be able to wait. all i do is wait. fucking wait. just be patient tina. fuck you, you be patient when you feel a hole inside your heart, a hole that most will never understand, one that pulls at the core of your being, one that if you let it, will tell you how unworthy you are of filling that hole. how you don't deserve what you want. that there is a reason you cannot conceive. i try to ignore this voice, and i do most times, but when it's quiet and i let sadness creep in, the voice gains volume. it screams at me, it laughs at me. you will never be the mother you think you can be. you will never be the mother you wished you had growing up. you can't fix it tina. you can't. wow, i didn't even know i was thinking this until i just read these words.