cold dark space

so, here i sit again (i do alot of sitting apparently)...trying desperately not to feel sorry for myself. i heard nothing today. but worse, i've let go of the hope i had a few days ago. this situation is probably no different than any other. the mom will get a bunch of profiles, and again, we won't be chosen. it seems like we never will. i feel majorly rejected. slapped in the face. it's hard not to feel that way even though i know we shouldn't. why don't the moms like us?

and i'm finding myself starting to attempt a prayer. but since i've checked out on god years ago, i dont expect any favors to come my way. you can't write someone off and then expect to pick up where you left off when you want something. it's not cool to do that. and shit if i know there even is a god. i think he used to be there, but we've fucked it up so much, he's left us. "fuck yall. you suck" and off he went. to find a new earth and start over. of course, that's what i would do if i was god, but i'm not. and if i was, i'd screw over the mean ppl and save the nice ones from pain.

i drove by a church today. actually i went into the parking lot, but school was in session, so i chickened out and left. the ceiling would have collapsed on me anyways! i feel kinda lost right now. don't know which way is up. i put too much on this, i'm an ass and shouldn't have. i should've remained calm, not got my hopes up. hopes dashed. i feel like this is such a pattern that i need to stop. i hate that i feel sorry for myself. it's aweful. some ppl don't have a place to live or food to eat. i have no reason to feel this way. no right.