cold dark space

ok, since i've had a cleansing of sorts, i figure i might as well go all the way and expose myself. i had been keeping a journal while the adventure with jack in december was going on.

Thursday, december 15th, 2005, I was at work when I received a call at 10:30am from d. Daddy was on the other line as she told us about your birth. Angela went into labor the night before and had to deliver at the closest hospital, Medical Center of ******. There were some problems, so they had to do an emergency C-section at about 3am Thursday morning. My heart was racing as I listened to d from our agency tell us this. My hands were sweaty. And then she told us you were a boy!!!!!! I remember daddy saying “woooohoooo!” and all I could say was “oh my god” with a big grin on my face, all the while shaking. Details on what to do next were given, but I don’t remember much. I remember hanging up the phone and walking out of the break room, and susan, another nurse, looked at me and said, “what’s wrong?” to which I murmured…. “I have a son…” I was in such shock. The rest of the day we made calls to nana and pop, grandma and grandpa, shawn, anna, and a slew of others. But I was still stuck at work!!!!!! I finally left at 3ish, raced home, packed, and drove to Orlando to meet nana and pop with jessi and fritz. They’ve known for weeks that something was going on! So we made it to the airport at 6:15pm for our 8pm flight….which was delayed!! Haha, all that running around…we flew into Kansas city, Missouri a little before midnight, got a rental car, and hit the road at 1am. We stopped at a walmart (I know, I know) and got a camera and a few things we didn’t pack. Pulled up to the hospital at 2am….and “patience” by guns and roses was playing on the radio…daddy said that song was for me. I know he was right. We finally figured out which entrance to go in while remembering why we don’t live up north anymore (my fingers!!! I can’t feel my fingers!!!). there is still a little bit of snow on the ground from last weeks 12 inches overnight storm!! YUCK! The hospital social worker, Katie, had told us earlier in the day that there was a room available for us to stay in on the maternity ward. Unfortunately, somehow this got lost in communication from the day shift to the night shift (it happens all the time). But the staff was sooo friendly! What a relief, that they were so kind to us during such a scarey time for us. I am sure they took care of your first mommy that way too. So it’s 2:30am, and the nurse at the desk says that Angela is awake, and she goes to ask her if she wants us to come see her….we tried to tell her to let her rest, but she was too fast. The nurse returned saying Angela wanted to meet us in the morning, and we were relieved too—we looked terrible we had been awake for 22 hours and didn’t want your first mommy’s impression to be that! So they found us a room to stay in on the 5th floor and we went and got settled in. and I didn’t sleep a wink. It was thrilling to know you and I were in the same building! That did make me feel comforted, that after all this time, we were so close to each other. But I had to wait until Friday morning to meet you. Daddy and I went and got breakfast at about 8am, talked to the social worker, Katie, again, and she went to talk to Angela while we ate. Now we are back in the room waiting for Katie and it’s 9:07am. I wanted to write as much as I could possibly remember before the details ran out of my head! I will write more, my love!

JACK
JOHN PATRICK B*****
5 LBS, 14 OUNCES

11:58am, Friday, December 16, 2005
omygod, jack, we just saw you for the first time. Katie, the social worker, brought us down to the nursery window. I knew which one you were before they even picked you up. She brought you to the window, and you were the most perfect looking baby I have ever seen. You were sleeping so peacefully. Daddy and I started crying immediately. Daddy took pictures through his tears and I felt like I just saw the most beautiful creature in the history of the world. I couldn’t believe I was looking at my son. My son…I wanted to jump in through the window and hold you, smell you, feel you. I wanted to look at your toes, your fingers, your little tushie! Daddy and I must have looked so star struck…we went back upstairs to our room, waiting for the social worker from another agency to talk to your first mommy and have papers signed before we can hold you. We immediately ripped open our luggage, pulled this computer out and uploaded the pictures and just stared at your picture for the longest time. Now daddy is making our hotel reservations while I write this. We love you more than we could have imagined.

Well, we got to the hotel and unpacked in record time, showered again, and went back to ***** Medical Center. We nervously paced and waited to meet your birthmom, Angela. Would she like us? would I say something dumb? What if a big booger was hanging out of my nose????

Katie introduced us, and I saw love. Your mommy has blonde hair and a warm smile. Your big sister K was next to her and in her arms was you. K, who is two, was so excited! She talked to you and tried to give you your paci (you didn’t really want it, but she was CERTAIN you did!). we asked Angie if we could take a picture of the 3 of you, and they turned out so cute. Your big sister is so beautiful too; your first mommy makes some beautiful babies I tell you! We chatted a bit, and Angie showed us the outfit she picked out for your nursery pictures. She said she wanted to keep that one. The other outfits she and her mother (another grandma!!) chose she wants us to keep to let you wear. We will take lots of pictures for her to see. Angie also talked again about that heart monitor strip she has from her first doctor’s appt that she wants us to have. Daddy and I had such big, goofy grins on our faces. We told her how grandma screamed and screamed when we told her you were born. We apologized for interrupting her in the middle of the night last night, but she smiled. She seems very easy going. I wonder if you will be like that? I can’t wait to see who you are! What will you like? Daddy was holding you while I just kissed and kissed you. I smelled you. I would have licked you, but I thought we would get some funny looks from the nurses in the nursery. You are just the most perfect thing ever! Daddy and I just keep looking at pictures of you, of you and mommy, of you and daddy, of you and your birthmommy and big sister…I never knew I would feel this way. Instant love at first site. I hope I get to feed you tomorrow! Every time we saw you today, you had just eaten!

Well, love, your pics have been emailed out to family and friends and everyone is SO DAMNED EXCITED!!!!!!! Mommy must sleep now. I haven’t slept since I woke up 40 hours ago!! I love you and can’t wait to dream of you tonight!

Saturday, December 17, 2005, we picked up bagels at panera bread for angie and the nurses. When we got there, angie said she preferred to see us this afternoon after her mom comes. Then we got to go hold you all by ourselves in an empty room. For TWO hours!!!! Daddy held you, then me, then daddy, then me, and so on. Daddy cried everytime he held you. He had no idea how quickly he would fall in love with you! I was a little sick, so I had to wear a mask, but that’s ok, no biggie. You ate an ounce and a half for us, you big boy!!! And you are a good burper, you already have that in common with daddy. And you farted on me too, another thing already in common with daddy…yippee for me. Your first mommy’s family is visiting with you right now (4:30pm), and we will go and meet your grandparents soon. When we are with you, it feels like all is right with the world. And we miss you terribly when we are not with you. But Angie wants to spend a lot of time saying goodbye to you, and we understand that. We are so proud of how hard she worked to get you here despite how hard life is for her right now. We told you so, and I think you heard us. we are so in love with you.


well, that was the last time i wrote. later that night we met angie's parents, and we all got along great. we made tenative plans for a disney trip with both sister and brother in a few years. we left the hospital that night feeling so confident. we sent out pictures to all of our family and friends. the next day sunday, december 18th started wonderfully. we were able to sit in an empty room and just hold you and be a mommy and daddy. billy was already a sucker for jack. i have so many pictures of billy crying as he just looked at him. it was beautiful, in all my selfish thinking i never realized how wonderful it would be to watch billy fall in love with a child. and fall he did.

that afternoon we sat with angela for a while until her lawyer showed up. everything seemed to be so on track, we made plans to site see with her family later that week, we got her address and phone number, gave her our cell numbers. she asked us how to spell john patrick for his birth certificate since she hadn't even thought of any names. we then went to visit with our atty. while we were there, our world stripped apart. the phone rang. and within seconds i could here the words, "she knows who the father is and he's going to contest." the room got really cold, and it started spinning. our atty excused himself from the room to talk, and the tears began. my stomach sarted turning and i knew life was not going to be going as we thought. our atty returned, brought us up to date that the person angie swore up and down she had no idea fathered this child was actually her brother's best friend, and he wanted to raise jack. i wasn't prepared for that feeling. and we knew in our hearts that if jack's dad wanted to raise him, even if we had a shot of custody, we couldn't take jack away from a father who wanted him. we could never do that to jack. and any money that angie got from us was gone, and we also knew we'd never see that too. besides, any money that girl had was going to be needed for raising jack and his big sister. i wasn't prepared to not get to say goodbye to the baby boy i thought was going to be my son.

we went back to the hotel and sobbed. we layed in bed all the next day. i dont remember much about that day other than holding and being held by billy. we both cried until we couldn't and then some. it was so terrible. everyone was calling to talk and i just couldn't. i wanted to die. that was the most pain i had ever felt in my life. i just kept wanting to go to the hospital to see him one last time.

tuesday, we finally boarded a plane to go home. when checking luggage, we checked the empty car seat. the lady behind the desk asked if there would be a lap baby, and i started sobbing again as i said no. i felt bad for her, but i couldn't help it. i called work and somehow through tears explained what happened and asked for at least a week off. brenda was fine with that and truley was sorry. i just couldn't believe we were flying home without jack. my little man. i worried about his future and if he would be loved.

the next month was terrible. christmas was nonexistant. i hated that i was so sad, so bitter, so angry, so hurt. but i couldn't stop those feelings. i would see a baby, or even worse, a little toddler boy with reddish tint blonde hair and wonder if that would have been what jack would have looked like at that age. leaving the house was painful. and returning to work as a pediatric nurse, well, that wasn't easy either. parents would ask if i had children and i had to leave the room to keep from crying in front of them. i had a doctor be an ass, which usually i would ignore or yell back, but instead, i cried. the only healing thing i managed to do that month was print out some great pictures of jack without billy or i in them, and i mailed them to jack's mom. i didn't do this because i am nice, but because i wanted this boy so have pictures of his birth so he knows he was wanted and loved. i hope he never feels any less than that. i love that boy so. i always will. i will always wonder about him and hope all is well.

on january 15th, jack's one month birthday, i had a setback, crying easily at nothing, feeling discourged, scared that the next time we were matched with an expecting mom i wouldn't even be able to get excited, just be scared to death. i felt bad that 2 of my friends who are pregnant, i couldn't share much in their joy of expecting. i was not liking who i was. i was so grateful to have the dave and friends cruise to look forward to. i had no idea the healing power this trip would have for me. but all i can say is thank you.