cold dark space

it is ingrained in my mind, the feeling, the smell, the taste of the rain, everything. the excitement of anticipation before the sun set and the show started. i was surrounded by huge fans, sand, laughter, beer and other aromas. the band opened with dodo, a sweet song, a good way to break into the heavier grooves. i was dancing, grateful for this experience before i even knew what it all would entail. i hadn't had a fully carefree feeling since leaving jack at the hospital on december 18th, the last day i held that beautifully perfect snuggle baby boy.

save me will forever have new meaning. as the rain started to wash over me, i felt transformed. i know no other way to describe it. i was screaming, not singing, the lyrics:

So then, save me
Save me mister walking man
If you can

i was begging this virtual stranger (or is it virtual friend?) to save me, to pull me out of my dark world, my dispair. what was i putting on this man?

You don't need to prove a thing to me
Just give me faith, make me believe
Come on, save me
Save me, mister walking man
If you can
Come on, save me
Save me, mister stranger
If you please save me
Save me
Stranger, if you please
Or am I too far gone
I see to get back home
To get back home

can i even be saved? can i get back to what used to be? will i forever be burned? can i ever hope again for a child to become our son or daughter? is it all different? i was crying nearly hysterically during this point in the song, i was screaming these words to dave, to whatever god there may be...someone, please, i beg you to hear me! help me!!! the rain was starting to soak through my clothes, i looked upward to let it wash my face. i wanted to be cleansed, i wanted to shed my bitterness, my anger, my negativity.

I don't need you to stall for some time, no
I don't need you to turn water into wine, no
I don't need you to, to fly
I'm just asking you to save me

i'm not asking for the world!!! i just want to be restored, to be saved. i couldn't believe the intensity this song held for me. i always liked it, but it never meant this to me. it was so unexpected. it consumed me.

then came another wave of emotion as this part of the song hit:
You might try savin' yourself
I'm gonna save me
You might try savin' yourself
I swear those lips shine
You might try savin' yourself
As it, the moon, the moon it shines
You might try savin' yourself
Why don't you, save me
You might try savin' yourself
Come on and save me
You might try savin' yourself

wow. hit me like a ton of bricks. i should save myself??? have i even tried that? i was depending on this man who i've never met to save me? what about myself? couldn't i depend on myself to do that? SHOULDN'T i depend on myself to do that?? this is still something that is running through my head a week later. i should save myself. i don't exactly know how, but i should.

then came the part in the song where dave screams "ooooooooh ooooooh ooooooh" over and over again. i joined him and screamed to the heavens as they poored down on me. this was the healing part for me. as i screamed from my toes, i though of Jack as i held him and fed him and smelled him and loved him. i though of that feeling when i learned he would not be our son. i gave it back to the universe. i let it go. as i screamed, the feeling left my body through my voice. i was trying to save myself. dave sang long enough for me to get rid of it all. the emotion i felt from trey and timmy and dave and ray and tony and brady....it hit my soul. it reached me in a way that nothing else has been able to since losing Jack. and it brought the first ray of hope since then too. i can do it, i can heal, i can continue on with my life, and i don't need someone else to do it for me. i can do it. as the last note was played, i felt exhausted, spent, tears streaming down my face hidden by the rain. i had felt i was the only one there, and suddenly as the crowd cheered, i remembered i was with others. celebrating such an unusual event...i felt reconnected to the human race.

I was completely unprepared to feel this way. music is such a mysterious entity. it has the power to make you feel things you have never felt before, ways you couldn't even contemplate. it is almost dangerous. i felt so vulnerable, naked. so real. so human. thank you, dave, my virtual friend, stranger, mr. singing man.