cold dark space

Boy sat on his daddy’s knee
Couldn’t have been any older than three
“Son, always remember what they’ve done.
We must correct the past; our future is almost won.”

Boy nodded, daddy’s face studying
Piercing big brown eyes intent on pleasing
Learning these ways way too young
Perhaps his future is almost won

His world is filled with chaos
Stability is unheard of
Greeting and parting in a short while
Blaming the enemy for acts so vile

“Son, always remember what they’ve done.
We must correct the past; our future is almost won.”
Son, don’t forget what they’ve won.
We must correct our past; our future is almost done.

Lost, abandoned, and orphaned, the boy’s empty soul.
“Son, it’s happened. He has achieved life’s ultimate goal.
Your father is a martyr. Maybe one day you’ll do the same.”
How do you know who is winning this hating game?

He sits gently upon the cold stair
Tormented eyes, baby face, mussed hair
Three years old, touching his daddy’s blood
Looking to the sky, hoping for the flood

“Where are you daddy, where have you gone?”
Did you really love him, or was he just a pawn?
Love, devotion, safety he craves.
Can his soul be saved? Or on his way to the grave.

“Son, I wish I could be there.
Some enlightenment I must share.”
Boy’s eyes searching the sky
“I hear you but can’t see you daddy. Why?”

“My son, I’ve erred, but you can change.
The notion of forgiveness may seem strange.
But it’s the only way to live your life.
Rise above all your nation’s strife.”

Boy sat still, head tilted to the sky
Great relief displayed in his eyes
“Daddy, I’ll always remember this victory we won.I’ll forgive the past, and my future’s just begun.”

Do you show us your power by showing us this pain?
Is this supposed to be the way?
I will search for the other way.
Little boys are not supposed to go.

There is more to be gained by keeping him here.
Look at his beauty and his pupils
As they stare in wide eyed wonder
Smiling, thanking, crying, holding…

This is his home. He is the one.
The one to bring us hope, fulfillment,
To drive us to want and be more
To be better souls

What good can come of this, with our teacher gone?
To bathe ourselves in bitterness and misery…
To repeat, “If only..”Little boys are not supposed to go.

Unlikely enemy
Chosen for convenience
Chosen to satisfy the need to blame
Is it not your fault at all?

Possibly there is no enemy.
Perhaps you have nothing to do with it all.
Can I blame you for that?
We’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t

Please be there, friend or foe
Rescue me from this place
But will I still betray you
The next time around?

Searching soul here,
Pleading for the truth
Tell me the comforting lies
So I can hate you again.

It’s not fair. I know that life is supposed to do this; begin and end. But why is so much pain a part of it? Why is it like this? So much despair. A man once on top of it all. Walked above me for so long, to be falling the way he is. I don’t want to see it. I want to close my eyes and be blind to this. He encompassed everything the future could hold for me if I dared to dream big enough. Freedom. I was too young to see the pain this man had to carry. And then there was more put on him. And more. How much is enough? Is there a god? He’s being robbed of his dignity. What kind of God does that? His freedom is being ripped from his desperate hands. The last thing that he had left. He taught me about the value of a human life. How to appreciate everyone. He listened to me, really listened to me like noone else did in my childhood. I’ve read my old diaries and his name was in there often, usually in the context that he was the only adult who ever made me feel valuable. I hope to do this for my children. I wish my children would know him. I am so angry. And I’m not sure at whom or what. I want to break things, scream at the mountains, threaten the skies. Damn all of you. How dare you take such a gift from us? He’s not done yet. We depend on him. He’s been a staple all my life. I need his wisdom. His children need his guidance, he needs to be free again. And the way he used to make me laugh. He could make a joke out of anything. I remember how excited I used to get whenever I’d hear his name. His name was always equated with a good time. He encouraged me to expand my mind past its present boundaries. Cd’s, photography, bird watching, golf,

I had to put this away for more than a year. It hurt too much to think of this. It still does. One of life’s greatest tragedies is to watch a man become a child, and the viewer to become a man. I watched the drug wreak havoc on his spirit, his body burned and drained. He fell asleep and I watched him with tears in my eyes. This is not right. It’s a mistake. I will never believe otherwise. His uncomfortable, painful sleep.

These curves
Softly moist
Curious
Clumsy
Clinging to imagination
These hands, please do not grow

Stay the same
Chubby
Playful
Discovering
Do not discover it all
Stay young, stay innocent

Do not find the world’s hatred
The world’s possesive’s
The world’s lines
Orbit the world, see it’s beauty from afarAnd leave it there.

Sitting, wondering about it all
What is it all for?
What if it was for nothing?
What if it was for everything
When it’s all done?

Alters her mind to numb it all
But it all fades away and back to when it’s all done.
Please give her more, take more, take it away.

They huddle together to brave the storm
But she still alone, unable to join as one
Walks backwards into this place
Not knowing where to go or how to get there.

Lonely nights into lonely days
Black into white into gray into black
And back again to when it’s all done.

She wishes she could change her form to fill in the gaps.
To make the answers fit the questions
To find the meanings to the meaninglessness
To ease the noise in her head

But she walks back into nothingness,
Unable to fit the pieces together…
Unwilling to forget or forgive Him.
Where will she be when they meet?

Life is but a collection of moments
What will yours look like?
Too dark to remember
Or a dizzying flash?

The cool air in my face upon leaving this place
The sound of angels laughing together
The pain in their eyes when they learn the truth
The smell and taste of tears splashing down their faces, down my back

Please let me ease the pain
Let me make it okay again
Give me the strength to do this work
Even if only for a moment

Do not steal these moments
They are not yours but ours
Why won’t you leave us to our moments?
They are all we have

Take away this numbness I have, I am useless this way
I desire to see them playing, please open my eyes
To hear the angels sing of this world’s wonders
To taste and smell of their sweetness.
Leave us be..
Don’t take away from me