cold dark space

i pray that kerry wins...not for me, but for everyone. i don't vote according to what will benefit me (if that was the case, tax cuts would be all i cared about). i vote for the future of america, for all the children in the entire world (including iraq), for a positive direction instead of a future based on fear. i hate that fear is running this country, this election. people are too scared to admit that this war was a mistake. too scared to try to change anything. i don't want to be run that way. i want to change, to make amends. why do you think osama hates america so much? is he crazy? probably. does he have valid points for his anger towards us? yes. and that is hard to swallow. for me too. but part of being responsible is being able to look at ourselves and see where we've gone wrong. and bush refuses to do that. and i don't want to be associated with that. i do not like his approach. i do not like that he is run by christian interest. america should not be pushing christian values on everyone else here. this is a free country. and freedom is not free. people bitch about taxes. while i think that alot of $ is wasted, is cutting taxes going to fix that? some say, why should i pay for someone else who isn't working? may god never have you know how it feels to be out of work. or permanently disabled. you know, i think you're on to something. we should just take our weak out and shoot them. they are just a drain on us anyways. fuck everyone else. look out for yourselves. think how wonderful our world would be then. as the famous djm has said: "you pay for what you get."

i sit here tentatively writing this...i've been composing this in my head all week. because i am afraid. i am afraid that you are not there, not real, not listening. i don't know if i've ever stopped believing that there is a greater being, but i don't know if i stopped giving that being your name. is it because i've been angry? because i've seen such horror in children, i stopped thinking a god would allow this? i do not know. i am afraid to believe in you, for what if i am wrong? that would be the ultimate fall. i struggle with this everyday. part of me thinks it would just be easier to believe, but i am speculative.
it occured to me on this baby making journey to be patient (haha). we are meant to be parents one way or another. maybe i should stop trying to carry all this alone. it is in someone else's hands, maybe? i want to believe. i honestly do. but i am afraid to trust in you, if there is a you. i mean, if there is a god, and he did send his son, i think it would be very hard, angst inducing to watch your son suffer, and to know you could save him, but shouldn't in order to save other's children. but then, i don't understand how hard it would be to watch your son die if you knew he was immediately going to be joining you in the afterlife. if anything, mary got screwed in this whole deal. it is so overwhelming to think and analyze this.
i guess what i am saying is that i am thinking, maybe even feeling, that i may begin to trust in "god." and i have to say that i have felt this before finding out that my dad most likely does NOT have cancer in his bones. so maybe that is a sign. besides being in the shower yesterday and seeing a shadow go by the window, knowing that my husband was not outside...he went out to look and noone was out there. like someone is out there. not far from me. and those i love. and even those i don't love.
this is a bunch of babbling nonsense at this point, and i apologize for confusing any readers out there. i am now going to go torture myself and watch the election coverage.