Friday, December 31, 2004
say goodbye
to 2004
i am forcing myself to see the good in the bad. so here goes:
this year:
i've grown closer to billy
we bought our first home, and i love it
billy has done a wonderful job of establishing a successful and honest buisiness.
i've learned to be more independent
i've met so many housewives!!
i'm learning to trust that things happen in time
i was in 3rd fucking row for 2 nights!!!!!
i got smiles from dave and stefan (shut up betsy!)
i've been here in florida for when my parents lost their home, when dad had surgery, when mom had her biopsy and her first chemo.
i'm learning to try to chose how to react the best i can, when i can.
i'm not writing all the shitty things that happened b/c i already have, several times.
in 2005, i plan to:
get pregnant/start the adoption process
help mom and family adjust to our new reality
work out regularly (i had gotten into a good routine before mom was diagnosed)
watch my parents be cured/be in the process of being cured
grow closer to billy
enjoy work again
get a hobby (pottery, scrapbooking, beading....not sure!)
learn more about my community and get involved somehow
ok, i think that's a good start. and a good end.
i am forcing myself to see the good in the bad. so here goes:
this year:
i've grown closer to billy
we bought our first home, and i love it
billy has done a wonderful job of establishing a successful and honest buisiness.
i've learned to be more independent
i've met so many housewives!!
i'm learning to trust that things happen in time
i was in 3rd fucking row for 2 nights!!!!!
i got smiles from dave and stefan (shut up betsy!)
i've been here in florida for when my parents lost their home, when dad had surgery, when mom had her biopsy and her first chemo.
i'm learning to try to chose how to react the best i can, when i can.
i'm not writing all the shitty things that happened b/c i already have, several times.
in 2005, i plan to:
get pregnant/start the adoption process
help mom and family adjust to our new reality
work out regularly (i had gotten into a good routine before mom was diagnosed)
watch my parents be cured/be in the process of being cured
grow closer to billy
enjoy work again
get a hobby (pottery, scrapbooking, beading....not sure!)
learn more about my community and get involved somehow
ok, i think that's a good start. and a good end.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
we aren't family
am i even still alive? i feel as if i am watching a film about my life, and i have no remote control...i am just watching helplessly as bad joke after bad joke happens. i teeter back and forth between wanting desperately to fight and wanting to lie down and quit. i never want another christmas like this again. i am fighting so many battles, i don't have enough energy to continue. my job, no baby, my dad, my mom, especially my mom. i have a strained relationship with my parents. i basically have to do everything to culture a relationship. which is hard, because when i'm around my parents, i am forever a teenager in their eyes, and sometimes in my own too. sometimes i fall into the pattern of fighting with them, which is rediculous b/c i want so desperately to be taken seriously, to feel approval from them. why do i bother? i'm still a little girl trying to get attention and love from them. and i don't know when or if i'll ever grow out of that.
my parents don't deal with difficult subjects. they blow it off, hope it will go away. i remember coming home sobbing everyfuckenday from 8th grade. my mom would pick me up, ask what was wrong, i'd say nothing (duh, i was 13) and my mom would say ok. i'd go home and cry and contemplate suicide and other horrible ideas in my room. i dealt with it ALONE. my parents didn't try to help, or didn't know what to do. i was labled the problem child, i disrupted everything in their lives. when i went away to college, if i visited, i was told life was more peaceful without me there. i always felt like an outsider. why didn't i go to med school? why do i want to just be a nurse? anything that tore at me, that was hard for me, i had to figure out how to deal with it ALONE. and when i finally conceded to see a doctor about my "problems" i was labled as depressed, put on a medication, and given no counseling. the pill "fixed" me. it was all MY problem. nothing that they did wrong, just me. and i felt ashamed. my mom secretly told my roommate behind my back that i was on "medication." how was i to feel? i still do feel ashamed to some degree to even talk about my medication. it's just fucking paxil, goddammit, half the fucken world is on it. but somehow, i was a freak. and now that my mom and dad are sick with cancers, i feel so guilty about this stuff, this stuff that will NEVER be resolved. having an honest open conversation does not happen with them. they refuse to.
and now, they tell me they are not going to tell the other kids what is truley going on. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? they are not babies, they are 16, 20, and 22. they know something is up. all they know is that it's breast cancer. not that it's in her spine. and possibly more places, i don't know how honest they are even being with me. dad kept the secret about his prostate cancer for a month or more, and hannah was very pissed when she found out. how do you think this will go? she is going to have such trust issues. this shit is hard enough without throwing all this complicated who is telling the truth bullshit on top of it. this makes me so angry, i cannot describe it. i tried talking to dad on christmas eve, i just asked if i could tell him from a medical standpoint, a class about death and dying i had to take, some books i have read on this subject. he refused to listen to me, said i was just trying to argue. are you kidding me? ok, i find out my mom has a really shitty likelihood of surviving this, and i want to argue? god, my father does NOT know me at all. he interupted me, refused to let me talk. i just felt like i was slapped in the face, the door slammed shut. seek no comfort here. some families cry together and comfort each other. i am ALONE. brigid is ALONE. james is ALONE. hannah is ALONE. after hannah learned the biopsy was positive for cancer 2 weeks ago, dad told her and left her room. i went in and hugged and held her, and we talked about how much this sucked. but even she isn't used to that reaction. she tried really hard to start joking around. it's like we are all islands instead of one land. no one knows how to cope with difficult things b/c we've never been taught to. so apparently i get to carrying around the knowledge of how bad this is, but i cannot turn to my parents for comfort or my siblings, b/c they can't know. i feel so heavy. do my parents not realize how hard this is for us kids? BOTH OF OUR PARENTS HAVE CANCER. and not stage 1 for either. this is very scarey. we have no strong parent to lean on. neither one knows how to reach out to us, to hug us, to cry with us. it's so lonely.
my parents honestly don't know their own children. it is so sad. why do you even have children if you don't want to know them? the last weekend when they visited, dad looks at me and says "you looked relaxed for the first time." is he FUCKING BLIND? i had not been sleeping, crying for days, nearly had a few panick attacks in stores while shopping, feel as if god is taking a royal shit on me and my family. i felt so beat down, like i don't want to wake up in the morning, and he thinks i look RELAXED?????? billy almost laughed at how absurd that remark was. and of course, it made me cry. because here i am 27 years old, would love to be able to have real adult conversations with my parents, get to know them, and we are perfect strangers. any time i visit or he visits, he reads the newspaper, a book, a magazine. he doesn't engage in conversations with us, unless it's something light or he's joking around. it is so frustrating. my uncle, my dad's brother, knows me better than my own parents. he and billy were the ones to comfort me on christmas eve as i sat sobbing in the car after the "conversation" with my dad. i stayed over at my uncles house after that and didn't go back to grandma's where mom and dad were staying. i felt so rejected, so pushed away. and i guess that is the way it will stay for them. if i want to have closure for myself, i'm going to have to be the one to push for everything. i'm gunna have to insist that i go with mom to her chemo sessions. i'm gunna have to make sure that brigid and james and hannah have someone to talk to about this. because i our parents don't have it in them to do this. this sucks.
my parents don't deal with difficult subjects. they blow it off, hope it will go away. i remember coming home sobbing everyfuckenday from 8th grade. my mom would pick me up, ask what was wrong, i'd say nothing (duh, i was 13) and my mom would say ok. i'd go home and cry and contemplate suicide and other horrible ideas in my room. i dealt with it ALONE. my parents didn't try to help, or didn't know what to do. i was labled the problem child, i disrupted everything in their lives. when i went away to college, if i visited, i was told life was more peaceful without me there. i always felt like an outsider. why didn't i go to med school? why do i want to just be a nurse? anything that tore at me, that was hard for me, i had to figure out how to deal with it ALONE. and when i finally conceded to see a doctor about my "problems" i was labled as depressed, put on a medication, and given no counseling. the pill "fixed" me. it was all MY problem. nothing that they did wrong, just me. and i felt ashamed. my mom secretly told my roommate behind my back that i was on "medication." how was i to feel? i still do feel ashamed to some degree to even talk about my medication. it's just fucking paxil, goddammit, half the fucken world is on it. but somehow, i was a freak. and now that my mom and dad are sick with cancers, i feel so guilty about this stuff, this stuff that will NEVER be resolved. having an honest open conversation does not happen with them. they refuse to.
and now, they tell me they are not going to tell the other kids what is truley going on. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? they are not babies, they are 16, 20, and 22. they know something is up. all they know is that it's breast cancer. not that it's in her spine. and possibly more places, i don't know how honest they are even being with me. dad kept the secret about his prostate cancer for a month or more, and hannah was very pissed when she found out. how do you think this will go? she is going to have such trust issues. this shit is hard enough without throwing all this complicated who is telling the truth bullshit on top of it. this makes me so angry, i cannot describe it. i tried talking to dad on christmas eve, i just asked if i could tell him from a medical standpoint, a class about death and dying i had to take, some books i have read on this subject. he refused to listen to me, said i was just trying to argue. are you kidding me? ok, i find out my mom has a really shitty likelihood of surviving this, and i want to argue? god, my father does NOT know me at all. he interupted me, refused to let me talk. i just felt like i was slapped in the face, the door slammed shut. seek no comfort here. some families cry together and comfort each other. i am ALONE. brigid is ALONE. james is ALONE. hannah is ALONE. after hannah learned the biopsy was positive for cancer 2 weeks ago, dad told her and left her room. i went in and hugged and held her, and we talked about how much this sucked. but even she isn't used to that reaction. she tried really hard to start joking around. it's like we are all islands instead of one land. no one knows how to cope with difficult things b/c we've never been taught to. so apparently i get to carrying around the knowledge of how bad this is, but i cannot turn to my parents for comfort or my siblings, b/c they can't know. i feel so heavy. do my parents not realize how hard this is for us kids? BOTH OF OUR PARENTS HAVE CANCER. and not stage 1 for either. this is very scarey. we have no strong parent to lean on. neither one knows how to reach out to us, to hug us, to cry with us. it's so lonely.
my parents honestly don't know their own children. it is so sad. why do you even have children if you don't want to know them? the last weekend when they visited, dad looks at me and says "you looked relaxed for the first time." is he FUCKING BLIND? i had not been sleeping, crying for days, nearly had a few panick attacks in stores while shopping, feel as if god is taking a royal shit on me and my family. i felt so beat down, like i don't want to wake up in the morning, and he thinks i look RELAXED?????? billy almost laughed at how absurd that remark was. and of course, it made me cry. because here i am 27 years old, would love to be able to have real adult conversations with my parents, get to know them, and we are perfect strangers. any time i visit or he visits, he reads the newspaper, a book, a magazine. he doesn't engage in conversations with us, unless it's something light or he's joking around. it is so frustrating. my uncle, my dad's brother, knows me better than my own parents. he and billy were the ones to comfort me on christmas eve as i sat sobbing in the car after the "conversation" with my dad. i stayed over at my uncles house after that and didn't go back to grandma's where mom and dad were staying. i felt so rejected, so pushed away. and i guess that is the way it will stay for them. if i want to have closure for myself, i'm going to have to be the one to push for everything. i'm gunna have to insist that i go with mom to her chemo sessions. i'm gunna have to make sure that brigid and james and hannah have someone to talk to about this. because i our parents don't have it in them to do this. this sucks.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
sometimes i find it better to be somebody else...
well, here i am, not liking myself at all. and what do you do when you don't like someone? you avoid them. kinda hard to do when it's yourself. i'm trying desperately do sort out my feelings. i feel so much anger mostly, and guilt, and sadness, and anxiety, and fear, and did i mention anger?? i know this is no one's fault. maybe it's god's. this lady at work pissed me off the other day, saying that god is good, and i asked why would god do this to one family all at once? her intelligent response is "who says god had anything to do with this?" so when something good happens, it's god. when something bad happens, he's missing in action? gee, that sounds like a great friend. one i sure want. part of me wants to go to the catholic church to talk to a priest for comfort. the other part of me is too angry. i don't know where to turn.
i am afraid of pushing away those who are trying to comfort me. no one can understand this unless they've been through this themselves...but i wouldn't wish this on anyone else so that they can understand first hand. does that make any sense? some are telling me to be positive, the statistics are decent. well, what are the statistics of both of your parents having cancer at the same time? and also lost about 90% of their things too? so right now, stats are not my friend. and telling me i have to think positively, do i not have enough shit going on right now that thinking negative is normal? i have tried desperately to take each bit of bad news this year slowly, and stay positive thinking. this last bit of news is just too much right now. i have no idea how i'm going to handle this. i know i don't want to be a bitter person. but right now, i am. and that depresses me. and i don't want to be around others right now. i am afraid of who i am will bring them down, and they will not like me anymore. god, so in the midst of all this sadness, i'm having to worry about not hurting my friends and families feelings and push them away even farther. why can't this be easier? even just a little?
i went christmas shopping yesterday and nearly had a nervous breakdown. just too many people, too loud, my head running a mile a second, thinking horrible thoughts, like will this be our last christmas together? will my mom and child ever go shopping together like that grandma and granddaughter over there? will mom even feel up to shopping in a few weeks? why do things have to change so drastically? so fast? will i ever bring my baby to see santa? when? i feel like i'm faking so much, pretending to function, pretending to take care of other children and families, seeing babies alone in the hospital whose parents obviously don't make them a priority, it all just tears me up inside, and i'm getting at the end of my giving well. i wish i could just take a vacation longer than 3 days. this year, my time in between jobs was wasted on being really sick with my asthma. and i had a week off to take care of dad during and after surgery. i have no vacation or sick time left at work. and i'm going to be taking more time off when mom gets chemo, depending on how often she needs to go, how sick she'll get, how sick dad feels too; just to get meds, fix dinner, go grocery shopping, all that stuff. i don't want them to go through this alone. hannah is only 16, plays basketball, and shouldn't have to give up all that high school stuff to care for her 2 sick parents. james is 20 and in college. brigid is 22 and is done with her classes for cooking school, only needs an internship. an internship that can be done anywhere, including close to home (she currently is 3 hours away from mom and dad's). but she says that she has no control over where she goes--hey, asshole, i think if you explain this situation to them, they will do whatever they can to help you out. but family has never been important to her, only to stop by and get money. dad blows this off as her being "social" and family isn't that important to her--he says that like it's ok, like her favorite color is blue, he says it so casually. i would think that is a major sign of my parents failing to instill the importance of family in her. they do nothing to try and fix it. for example, yesterday hannah had a basketball game in orlando. brigid lives in orlando. did she go? no. she drove an hour to her friends house. wtf? how hard would it be to just go? hannah even called brigid to ask her if she was going. that breaks my heart.
but at any rate, i had a good time watching hannah play ball. i loved watching her, i forgot how much i loved the game. i used to play in highschool. after her game, i sat behind her on the bleachers (she had to stay for the varsity game to support them-she's on the jv team) and played with her hair, tickled her, goofily smacked her own hands into her face. her teammates said how much we looked alike; it made me smile. i love her so much. she is such a kind soul. she is so mature, sweet, knows more than she should. as a kid, my grandma picked her up from school in kindergarten, got lost, and hannah directed her home. she always paid attention to those things.
me: dad, where's mom?
dad: uhh, i don't know, she went out to something..
hannah (age 4): she went to pick up james, and then go grocery shopping
anyways, hannah said something beyond her years "tina, why do you think god put me here to be with mom and dad in their older years?" perhaps that may be true. i don't know if i believe in god. i do believe that there is a destiny of sorts. i think. i don't know what i believe anymore.
i really fear that i will continue to be bitter. i am afraid that i have changed permanently. will i ever trust that good things will happen again? right now, i am still scared and bracing for more bad news. why wouldn't i? i thought that i had had enough, only to learn this. i fear for thursday's news. then mom gets the results of all her scans. please please please, let this be the best news possible. i don't know how much more i can take. i am strugging to not just quit. quit everything, quit caring, quit smiling, quit laughing, quit being. i don't want all the colors to mix to grey. how do people keep going on? and not be badly burned? how do i pick myself up from here? keep on feeling joy? i want to do this right, the best i can.
ok, this has been long enough. i'm hoping this will allow me to sleep tonight. i haven't had a good nights sleep in a while. makes working quite the bitch. but work has always been a bitch. i know i need a new job too, but right now, i need to get through all of this with my mom...i can't start a new job and immediately take time off. so, things i need: (1)my parents alive and cured (2)a baby (3)a new job. just a few small things.
i am afraid of pushing away those who are trying to comfort me. no one can understand this unless they've been through this themselves...but i wouldn't wish this on anyone else so that they can understand first hand. does that make any sense? some are telling me to be positive, the statistics are decent. well, what are the statistics of both of your parents having cancer at the same time? and also lost about 90% of their things too? so right now, stats are not my friend. and telling me i have to think positively, do i not have enough shit going on right now that thinking negative is normal? i have tried desperately to take each bit of bad news this year slowly, and stay positive thinking. this last bit of news is just too much right now. i have no idea how i'm going to handle this. i know i don't want to be a bitter person. but right now, i am. and that depresses me. and i don't want to be around others right now. i am afraid of who i am will bring them down, and they will not like me anymore. god, so in the midst of all this sadness, i'm having to worry about not hurting my friends and families feelings and push them away even farther. why can't this be easier? even just a little?
i went christmas shopping yesterday and nearly had a nervous breakdown. just too many people, too loud, my head running a mile a second, thinking horrible thoughts, like will this be our last christmas together? will my mom and child ever go shopping together like that grandma and granddaughter over there? will mom even feel up to shopping in a few weeks? why do things have to change so drastically? so fast? will i ever bring my baby to see santa? when? i feel like i'm faking so much, pretending to function, pretending to take care of other children and families, seeing babies alone in the hospital whose parents obviously don't make them a priority, it all just tears me up inside, and i'm getting at the end of my giving well. i wish i could just take a vacation longer than 3 days. this year, my time in between jobs was wasted on being really sick with my asthma. and i had a week off to take care of dad during and after surgery. i have no vacation or sick time left at work. and i'm going to be taking more time off when mom gets chemo, depending on how often she needs to go, how sick she'll get, how sick dad feels too; just to get meds, fix dinner, go grocery shopping, all that stuff. i don't want them to go through this alone. hannah is only 16, plays basketball, and shouldn't have to give up all that high school stuff to care for her 2 sick parents. james is 20 and in college. brigid is 22 and is done with her classes for cooking school, only needs an internship. an internship that can be done anywhere, including close to home (she currently is 3 hours away from mom and dad's). but she says that she has no control over where she goes--hey, asshole, i think if you explain this situation to them, they will do whatever they can to help you out. but family has never been important to her, only to stop by and get money. dad blows this off as her being "social" and family isn't that important to her--he says that like it's ok, like her favorite color is blue, he says it so casually. i would think that is a major sign of my parents failing to instill the importance of family in her. they do nothing to try and fix it. for example, yesterday hannah had a basketball game in orlando. brigid lives in orlando. did she go? no. she drove an hour to her friends house. wtf? how hard would it be to just go? hannah even called brigid to ask her if she was going. that breaks my heart.
but at any rate, i had a good time watching hannah play ball. i loved watching her, i forgot how much i loved the game. i used to play in highschool. after her game, i sat behind her on the bleachers (she had to stay for the varsity game to support them-she's on the jv team) and played with her hair, tickled her, goofily smacked her own hands into her face. her teammates said how much we looked alike; it made me smile. i love her so much. she is such a kind soul. she is so mature, sweet, knows more than she should. as a kid, my grandma picked her up from school in kindergarten, got lost, and hannah directed her home. she always paid attention to those things.
me: dad, where's mom?
dad: uhh, i don't know, she went out to something..
hannah (age 4): she went to pick up james, and then go grocery shopping
anyways, hannah said something beyond her years "tina, why do you think god put me here to be with mom and dad in their older years?" perhaps that may be true. i don't know if i believe in god. i do believe that there is a destiny of sorts. i think. i don't know what i believe anymore.
i really fear that i will continue to be bitter. i am afraid that i have changed permanently. will i ever trust that good things will happen again? right now, i am still scared and bracing for more bad news. why wouldn't i? i thought that i had had enough, only to learn this. i fear for thursday's news. then mom gets the results of all her scans. please please please, let this be the best news possible. i don't know how much more i can take. i am strugging to not just quit. quit everything, quit caring, quit smiling, quit laughing, quit being. i don't want all the colors to mix to grey. how do people keep going on? and not be badly burned? how do i pick myself up from here? keep on feeling joy? i want to do this right, the best i can.
ok, this has been long enough. i'm hoping this will allow me to sleep tonight. i haven't had a good nights sleep in a while. makes working quite the bitch. but work has always been a bitch. i know i need a new job too, but right now, i need to get through all of this with my mom...i can't start a new job and immediately take time off. so, things i need: (1)my parents alive and cured (2)a baby (3)a new job. just a few small things.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
this love will open our world
in the midst of feeling sorry for myself, a brilliant thought shone through my soul. maybe a child wasn't supposed to be here sooner. afterall, if i look at when we started trying to have one, billy and my relationship isn't where it is today. we have grown so close learning to be alone in jersey. if we were mad at each other, we didn't have friends to go run to and escape with. we were forced to look at each other and muddle through our issues. even since moving down here, we've learned to work hard and pinch pennies while starting his buisiness. he's become very grateful for me working a job i hate so we can continue to pay our bills. we've learned so much about how to better love eachother. and i think that will make us better parents. our whole approach to this fertility issue has shown me what a wonderful man he is. he said this isn't his or my problem, it's ours, and not really a problem, more of an obstacle. and we will get through it. and i am so happy that he is here with me for this venture. strangely, i was almost relieved when i learned it was my body that is making this process difficult. one reason is that he is so fearful of blood work and such (although the sperm analysis he didn't bat an eye at...poor guy had to give a sample in a BATHROOM. that couldn't have been easy!). and another is i didn't want him blaming himself at all. i am kinda used to having to take medicine, and being the "sick" one, so it might as well be me who has to take the meds to make it work. besides, it's not going to be a walk in the park for him; the doc told me that the clomid can make woman sensitive, crabby, and difficult to live with...SORRY HONEY! thank god it's only taken for 5 days during a cycle.
so, with this realization, i feel better about all of this. slightly impatient? yes. hopeless? no. i am a very fortunate person, i realize this. life is not easy, and sometimes i don't know why i expect it to be. i should've known this was going to happen. since when do i do anything that is easy??
so, with this realization, i feel better about all of this. slightly impatient? yes. hopeless? no. i am a very fortunate person, i realize this. life is not easy, and sometimes i don't know why i expect it to be. i should've known this was going to happen. since when do i do anything that is easy??
