cold dark space

it's hard to understand the meaning of losing you
the sound of your name brings contradicting emotions
i resent him for taking you.
i thank him for easing your pain
i see that he was bringing you home
to rest
to be with one child, while watching over your other
you were always thoughtful, considerate, and loving
so proud of your children
so strong to deal with what life presented
i am so blessed to have known you
you can see how much i've learned from you
how my life will never be the same
how thoughts of you will direct me
please keep an eye on me

is the world fast
and i'm slow?
is the world smart
and i'm dumb?
does the world not give a damn
and i do?
is the world in black and white
and i'm in color?
is the world rich
and i'm poor?
does the world see the exterior
and i see inside?
is the world still
and i'm running?
is the world judging
and i'm forgiving?
did the world give up
while i'm still trying?
is the world ending
while i'm just beginning?

words
are so
illiterate
words
cant capture
feeling
many try
in songs
poems
stories
some
draw,
act,
play
but
it still
cant describe
the way i
feel

seclusion
alienation
my world
earth
this is a strange world
too fast paced
they are so caught up in this world
to let their minds free
free from here
perhaps i was from another world
one very different
for no one understands me
my thoughts are too complex to communicate
when i try, they get frustrated with me
they dont listen, they laugh

why do they ignore me?
i try to relate
but things get mixed up
why do they get mad?
i get frustrated trying
over and over again and again
to explain my thoughts
why do i feel so very different from them?
i'm in my own world
where i am myself
and i understand me
this world is evil
i want my world back.

living with insecurity
living alone
in a room
sheltered only from
the warning
the warning of destruction
afraid
afraid of when the destruction may strike
afraid of the strength of the destruction
no warning can be seen
from this room
constantly preparing for the worst
too busy preparing to notice the room
for the room was once beautiful
but....
through negligence
it faded into a dull, lifeless setting
unnoticed.

as i learn more, the less i know
life is becoming more clearly opaque
more simply complicated
more harmoniously dissonant

why?
life is not dyadic
just different shades of grey
what used to be known is not, and never really was.
rather than shaking, i sit back to sip it
the taste is different
perhaps i like it
amid the chaos, it makes sense not to
predictably unpredictable
i'll drink to that.

why am i restless?
i feel a pulling from somewhere else.
where, i dont know
will i ever know?
i want to see the world
but will that stop my restlessness?
i need to know what's calling me
some say the reason we are restless is because we are infinate beings in a finate situation.
we feel the need to be at one with everything and everyone
maybe that's where this feeling is coming from.
from beyond ths world
but how do i settle it here, in this world?

names were never around until man came along. suddenly, everything had to be named for man's benefit. the mountain. but it did not stop there. my mountain. my land. this is almost humerous: the land existed billions of years before man. how is it man comes along and thinks that it is all his? he named more: kingdoms, phyla, classes. he made scientific laws governing behavior of atoms. that's humerous too. will nature not act as it wishes regardless of man's "laws"? man has studied nature and her worls in an attempt to control her. that will never happen. only nature understands herself. man thinks natural disasters should be predicted so he can save lives. why? man kills man much more often than nature kills man. it is names that have separated man into groups: black, white, yellow, red, commoners and elite. these names restrict man. thus, instead of man owning titles, titles own man. man cannot rise above their given title. man used these oppresive titles against one another resulting in the ultimate split among man. nation fighting nation. race against race. rich against poor. where has this world gone? will man ever join his race together again-the human race-peacefully? or will man kill off man until it is once again just nature?

i am in awe
at the way you make me feel
i am intoxicated with your taste, touch, feel
i feel like i've never before
i want to become one with you
forever
i watched you fly last night
soar
it was so beautiful
exhilarating
by watching yoru eyes, i was flying too
it was indiscribable
revelation struck me...
i want to always be there when you fly
to feel through you
fly with you
feel the wind on our faces
be untouchable from the world
in our own world
i love you
i will always be there for you
even when you cant fly

i am instantly transported to a timeless safe place
no worries, no pain
i close my eyes and travel with you
i watch you immerse yourself in passion
i want to be part of you
i hear your intensity for living and love that
i see you as a boy, with energy to live life to the fullest
i taste your tears of joy, sorrow, disbelief
i close my eyes
we see beautiful rhythmic rivers jumping over stones like children
we wade in and leap from stone to stone, laughing hysterically at the other who slipped and sat in the cool water
we see majestic mountians with the power to command
we visit deserted islands where we enjoy each other's company
the desert even in its dryness is spell casting; the freedom it offers is religious.
we shed our skin
are these places heaven?

(i met billy in 9/97)

someday....?
he'll look at me and know all that i love
he'll love me for that
he'll see how scared i am, yet how much i want him, just in my eyes
he'll know my passion in the way i carry myself
he'll think i am beautiful
he'll make me cry tears of joy
he'll rid my tears of sorrow
he'll stroke my cheek, cup my face with his hands and adore me
he'll love the way i love children for their innocence and honesty
he'll be so proud of me when our first child is born
he'll want to know my mind, heart, and soul
he'll touch my hair, back, arms, skin
he'll love how soft it is
he'll listen to the music that i love and see what it is i love in it
he'll understand the feelings music arouses in me
he'll show me to dance, with every step he'll show me a new world
his eyes will reveal his intensity for me
the way he will look at me
he'll go places with me to search the world for the most beautiful place.
and then realize it was on a beach at sunset in eachother's arms