cold dark space

i am in a cold dark space, if ever there was one. i dont know why i bother sometimes. i dont know why i attempted to believe there was a god. i've given up years ago, but i guess i always held on to the hope that i could believe in him again. but if there was a god, why would all kinds of shit happen? it's obvious if he exists, he takes a passive at best role in the world. bad things happen to good people. why pray? why hope? what ever will happen will happen. with or without him. i am tired of wishing and hoping. i can do nothing else. i wish i could do something to bring this child into my life. but i cannot, and that frustrates and infurates and crushes me to no end. each day that goes by i hurt a little more, even when i think it isn't possible. i am tired of trying to be positve about everything. i am ready for something to go well. i feel so ungrateful for feeling this way. so many ppl do not have to think twice, hell, not even once, to have children. sometimes i feel i will not be able to wait. all i do is wait. fucking wait. just be patient tina. fuck you, you be patient when you feel a hole inside your heart, a hole that most will never understand, one that pulls at the core of your being, one that if you let it, will tell you how unworthy you are of filling that hole. how you don't deserve what you want. that there is a reason you cannot conceive. i try to ignore this voice, and i do most times, but when it's quiet and i let sadness creep in, the voice gains volume. it screams at me, it laughs at me. you will never be the mother you think you can be. you will never be the mother you wished you had growing up. you can't fix it tina. you can't. wow, i didn't even know i was thinking this until i just read these words.

so, here i sit again (i do alot of sitting apparently)...trying desperately not to feel sorry for myself. i heard nothing today. but worse, i've let go of the hope i had a few days ago. this situation is probably no different than any other. the mom will get a bunch of profiles, and again, we won't be chosen. it seems like we never will. i feel majorly rejected. slapped in the face. it's hard not to feel that way even though i know we shouldn't. why don't the moms like us?

and i'm finding myself starting to attempt a prayer. but since i've checked out on god years ago, i dont expect any favors to come my way. you can't write someone off and then expect to pick up where you left off when you want something. it's not cool to do that. and shit if i know there even is a god. i think he used to be there, but we've fucked it up so much, he's left us. "fuck yall. you suck" and off he went. to find a new earth and start over. of course, that's what i would do if i was god, but i'm not. and if i was, i'd screw over the mean ppl and save the nice ones from pain.

i drove by a church today. actually i went into the parking lot, but school was in session, so i chickened out and left. the ceiling would have collapsed on me anyways! i feel kinda lost right now. don't know which way is up. i put too much on this, i'm an ass and shouldn't have. i should've remained calm, not got my hopes up. hopes dashed. i feel like this is such a pattern that i need to stop. i hate that i feel sorry for myself. it's aweful. some ppl don't have a place to live or food to eat. i have no reason to feel this way. no right.

I am in utter shock. I sit here writing this letter, not sure to whom. Are you the one who will pick us? I am so excited, I am shaking. Images of swings and pools and laughing and ice cream and pictures take over my mind. And then another image. My heart aches at the image of another mother making the most difficult decision anyone could face; my eyes overflow with tears as I realize my joy is another’s pain. Will I be able to mirror this woman’s courage and selflessness? Can I possibly ease her pain? I need her to know that I will put every fiber of my being into being a mother; all my heart, mind, and soul. My everything. Will I ever be able to thank her enough? Will she ever find peace with her decision? Will my child ever be able to understand what his first mother has done for him? I want him to grow up with as much love as possible, including his birth mother. He needs to know he was not abandoned or rescued, but placed into our arms by a beautifully loving mother who wanted everything for him, sacrificing her own needs and wants for his. Is this our son?